1) I'm putting off studying by doing this.
.7) I'm WEIRD caffeinated, and non caffeinated
19) yes.
23095) I like penguins
$25) I miss lu very much.

8) I'm really sad that I'm losing my math side of my brain and becoming completely the artsy side.
23) speaking of art, someone please tell me how to come up with $25,000 in 7 months.
06) I am really enjoying making these beanies even though they're quite time consuming.
0.07) i am apparently in love with veggie lasagna but now my mouth tastes like eggs.
@!) I dislike cold feet because they make me cold.

72) my room currently has a plastic cubicle taking up about a fourth of it. its door is a zipper.
40369) I guess mildew is a bigger problem than I would make it out to be.
2,352,604,206) I really want to go to bed early but I know I won't be able to sleep.
1,234,567.89) I know I'm gonna get to first period and fail even though I've really reviewed for this test.
987,654,321) IM DONE


Have you ever had a sleep over with the last person you kissed?
i wish, i wish, i wish.

How was your day?
pretty gooood. i laughed a lot.

Will this weekend be a good one?
it's going to be full of studying.
and not swimming ='(

Are you stressed out? If so, why?
ap calculus. if it weren't for that, I'd be fine.

Are you excited about anything?
ice skating.

Do you trust easily?
yeah, actually. depends on with what, I'm not stupid, but I know when I can trust.

Think of the first person you kissed in 2009, do you hate them now?
i don't hate him but
i never want to talk to him again.

Who was the last person you talked to in person?
mom

Do you usually apologize first?
sometimes.

What are you doing tomorrow?
work. knitting. failing tests, but not really, I won't fail.

Would you like to get anything off your chest?
PEOPLE ARE STUPID

Are you alone right now?
in my room yeees

Has anything happened today that you wish hadn't?
would be dumb to say yes

Do you have any gray hair?
HAHAHAH no!!!

The last time you were in a car, where were you going other than home?
chick fil a

The last time you cried, what was the reason?
I dun wanna talk about it.

Do you over think situations?
hahahahaha have you met me

Who recently disappointed you?
=(

What are you drinking?
nothing now. was soy milk. :3

Your middle name?
ann.

Have you given up on anything lately?
eh, kind of yeah.

The last time you yelled, why were you yelling?
i like yelling.

What was the last song you heard?
i don't even know. its been forever since i listened to music.

Any bad habits you NEED to quit?
facebook xD

What mood did you wake up in this morning?
happy! because mom let me sleep in!

What are you going to do after this?
study for government. i think im down with calculus.

Are you sitting, lying down, or standing?
laying down. nom

Can falling in love change a person?
mhmm

Are you more laid back or loud and spontaneous?
well when i'm not being spontaneous i'm not laid back, im really rigid and uptight
but when i've slept you cannot shut me up.

Do you have a dog?
nah.

Will you regret your next kiss?
course not.

Has anyone ever taken you for granted?.
yes.

Whats your last text say?
hell if i know.

Have you ever run over an animal?
no.

Do you have a friend of the opposite sex you can talk to?
mhmm

Been called babe today?
nah

Think of the last person who hurt you, do you forgive them?
yes.

Ever kissed someone named Anthony?
no

What's your favorite song?
i have nooo idea.

Are you single?
eh. yeah

Anything surprising happen lately?
yeah.
i got up on my own two feet.
imagine that, kids!

Who have you been spending most of your time with?
wes.
well this week? my physics book -.-

Last person to sleep over your house?
i don't even know.

Are you on the computer a lot?
the correct question is am i ever not on it

Whens the last time you fell asleep on the couch?
months ago.

Did you wake up in the middle of the night last night?
no. didn't get to sleep til the middle of th enight.

What song are you currently listening to?
nothing =((

Are you afraid of falling in love?
i'm not scared of falling in love. i'm scared of falling in love then losing them and finding someone else. how do you ever truly move on from someone?

Have you ever felt replaced?
hell yeah

Everyone deserves a second chance, right?
if they're legit.

Are you texting anyone right now?
nope

Waiting for anything?
yes.

Who would you do anything for?
best friends. anyone really.

Have you ever walked on the beach at night?
probably.

Has someone ever called you at midnight on your birthday?
texted

Was the first person you talked to today male or female?
male. (=

Do you have nice eyes?
some people say so.

Could you go the rest of your life without cursing?
hell no.

If you were being chased by an alligator, what would you do?
run away run away

If someone told you they're interested in you right now, what would you say?
don't be. im messed up.

What was the last thing you ate?
garden lasagna or something.

What's going on between you and the last person you kissed?
complicatedness, sort of

Who was the first person you saw this morning?
mom

Does anyone have feelings for you?
mhm. he's cool!

Where did you get the shirt you are wearing?
school.

Is there a guy that knows everything about you?
conner knows me better than i know me

Do you like your hair?
i don't like my bangs, they try to curl
but other than that, mhm

Would you rather watch football or baseball?
baseball if i had to pick

Are you ever mean to people?
never to their face. i get angry with people secretly but i can't show it... i'd feel awful. but it goes away pretty fast.

yesterday was bad.
today started bad.
depression. full on. but this time, with a little better sleep.
it was triggered by lack of food and sleep. because that's what's causing it again this time.
this is just
...not now. not before finals, but it's okay, I'm getting ready.
i'm at wes's now. and tomorrow too. woooooh.
and im tired. as anything. barely slept over the weekend, and I hate that I haven't gotten the initiative to go to the pool since thursday. -.- im swimmmmingggg saturday dude, and I still can't do pushups or situps without getting reeeeally sore. oh well. it's a relay, so it won't be too bad.
i wannnaaa sleep tonight...so i can be awake for ap calculus tomorrow.
meh.

- knit sam and ben's hats.
- study for systematic.
- get resume printed for mrs webb/scholarship
- print some pictures for mrs webb
- read death of a salesman (shit i forgot to bring that book home)
- work sunday night (don't forget that shift)
- broadcasting speech

i think thats about it.

my heart did a loop de loop, and I came home with a grin from ear to ear.
I still don't know what I want,
but when I backed off, it showed me that I want you more than I realized.
and I find you quite wonderful.
and today was AMAZING,
i loved cuddling with you. really not cuddling, just laying down really close, and laughing sooo much at each other.
(=
you made my day worthwhile. <3

//


I HATE A CERTAIN PROVIDENCE TEACHER MORE AND MORE BY THE DAYYYYY
don't ask, lol. you probably already know. i never stop venting about how angry they make me.
ONE MORE SEMESTER. and im doneee with that.
yay.
but one more semester and i'm done. =(
i'm kinda sad, guys.
BUT im not gonna think about it cause it'll just make me more upset and not able to appreciate what i have now.
and just to get et out there
conner, lu, and wes. thank you for being the most incredible people. i love you guys to death, and i wouldn't be where i am at ALL without you. <33

everything from the strongest depression to the biggest uplifting;
two hours ago... face down. on my room floor. crying and wishing i hadn't made a decision to never cut or hurt myself. wanting to feel the pain in every way possible.
finally admitting what's been true all along, but i've been running away from it.
and i had to tell you. i had to, i just couldn't do it to you anymore.
and i come to find out you knew it all along and were over it.
which hurt at first, i won't lie. but then when i saw how well we got along when i stopped trying to get along with you..... you know, it's okay.
i want us to work out. we might not. and it'll hurt. but it was worth it, every bit of it
because nothing can change what just happened.
crying, feeling sorry for myself though i wouldn't have admitted it...
"traci. you need to stop. people aren't going to go out of their way to make you happy. this is life. i am in depressing situations all the time, and i've just learned to grit my teeth and sing a happy song anyway. your parents gave you everything. you have a great life. you have nothing to be upset over."
"yes i do! i hate my background. because i WANT to be able to handle the world, so i'll even stoop to creating problems so that i can just have as much experience with crap as much as possible. i don't WANT a happy go lucky life. but i've never had a chance to deal with life like you have, so when it bites me in the ass, i lose it."
"you create so many problems, you create so much drama. you need to just GET UP and go on. it's not going to do you any good to be sad. this is tough love traci. you have to just get up."
"but i want to be sad. i don't want to be happy if i don't deserve it."
"you're only going to bring down the people you care about! traci sometimes things don't go your way in life. you can't just sit there and cry about it. you have to get up and accept it and go on, and DEAL WITH IT."
i was speechless, not in shock or hurt, it didn't hurt. speechless because i knew you were right, and there's nothing i COULD say.
so i got up.
and i decided to move on. and be HAPPY. even when not everything is okay.
and now,
i'm kinda in the mood to go sell a bunch of art. and do fun things like that with you, because you got me in the mood for selling stuff anyway.
it's not easy. because a million questions still swarm through my mind. a MILLION. and my mind, satan, they want to bring me DOWN, so far down.
but you know what?
its gonna be okay.
and if it's not?
I'll stand right back up to it and MAKE it okay. haha.
i like who i've become, i like who you've made me, and i really like who you are. i respect you a lot, y'know. your parents do all this shit to you and in general and you LOVE them. me? my parents shower me with love and i TOLERATE them. and the fact that you can live with such a frustrating life and still be happy? like.... dang.
life is life is life is life. what happens happens, what doesn't happen doesn't happen. people come, people go, but everyone and everything changes you a little bit or a lot. I may just be one in six billion but IM SOMEBODY and i CAN do this. =)


//

and maybe letting go was exactly what i needed to come to you all along.

if i knew what to write about, i would.
sigh.
depressiveness stiiiinks.
life is looking up thoughhhhh.

welcome to the matters of the heart.

//

and I'm writing a ridiculous intensive scholarship essay on my future career goals.
it's for $1000. hope I can get et.
I am not the traditional high school senior who aspires to be a doctor, a teacher, or a business owner. I am an artist, and every day brings me closer to my biggest dream of making a living from it. Why choose such a non-lucrative career, you ask? Art flows from my soul, and it is my soul's deepest desire to bare itself to the world -- a world accustomed to normality, to the "average American" and his or her average career. To share my soul's fears, joys, sadnesses, to share with the world its deepest and most sincere longings and expressions -- it is my biggest dream yet. To take color and make something beautiful from a blank canvas, to take a camera and capture the beauty of a moment is such a strong portrayal of my heart -- a love of all things beautiful and wonderful. It has been my strongest and most sought-after dream for so many years, and my high school years and college plans have only drawn me closer to this career opportunity.

I'm SO sick. i haven't had a cold that's taken me out so bad in so long. oh my gosh i don't even want to get out of bed, I'm sleeping all day, and thank God for diego, who's working for me today, I wouldnt have been able to do it.
i feel disgusting.


thats all i have to say, today. hope everyone has a great weekenddd.

my depression is a part of me. my mental chaos. not chaos, but my mind's patterns, which are far different from yours. I realized this last night.
my first reaction was to believe that my life was worthless and had little value and to strongly dislike God for doing this to me.. "why would you do this to me, God? WHY CAN'T I BE NORMAL?"
then i thought about how physically disabled people find ways to overcome their problems and appreciate them even, and prove that they are not a product of what society makes them.
and i realized that God knew what He was doing when He made me.
and i need to just follow Him because He has a plan for me if I choose to stay here (when you know you're ~different it's...easy to wonder if you're going to become worthless to humanity)

"nah, i'm great. i'm just starting to understand that i'm not a victim of my weakness."

when you wake up naturally... get up!
cause I did that over the summer, and I did today,
and i feel GREAT and I am in the beeest mood.
=)

i feel like all my closest friends are against you.
and dont understand you like i do.
and wish they did but the more i try to tell them, the more they dont like hearing it from ME...
oh well. as long as i have you, im not complaining. :) you're wonderful.


//


im nervous about working today with like no money. cause of having to go get food between shifts.
come visit me! 12-4, then 7-10. (=

going back to swimming.
on my own schedule.
and i will swim meets.
hopefully.


//


caught between wrong and right
and all the things in between,
i'm just like ismene, haemon... wrong? right? what's wrong? what's right? when there are consequences to both decisions?
i don't know,
it's so wrong but it just feels so right...


//

SOMEONE BUY A SUBSCRIPTION FOR ME ON DEVIANTART :D
por favor?

for the love of God.


I quit swim team and get so much shit about it.
it was nearly killing me. mentally, emotionally, physically.
I did it to stay fit at practice. then it became quite clear to me that she was going to put me in events at the meets.
my grades started falling because I was too exhausted to get through the day and would sleep through classes. and I almost wrecked me and my brother a few too many times because of nearly falling asleep behind the wheel.
go to bed earlier? oh, I tried. but I'm plagued with anxiety and insomnia.
the week I decided to go back to practice, I can't make practice because of my horrible 2am anxiety attack.
then the bank problem happened. and I HAD to go back to work during the week. overworking, even. I HAVE to make more money than I was, when I was only working weekends. especially to pay for gas, food, and the other things I have no choice on paying for.
but I miss swim team.... and I'm getting real tired of getting crap for quitting.
i quit to focus on my strengths. working and academics.
but i'm thinking about going back, but to my own place, where i don't have to feel obligated to get to sleep by a certain time every night, and be kept awake by that.
so i might be hitting up mountain park every monday and wednesday. or west gwinnett aquatic center tuesdays and thursdays.
i don't know what to do.

I think I pissed a lot of people off today. I feel bad. and I hate myself. so all those people who are starting to get tired of me, don't worry, I'm getting tired of me too.


//


EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
sam is about to have a girlfriend ^_______^
im so happy for them.
they're so happy too.
gosh, things are just working out lately.


//


my heart isn't doing so well.
yet, kind of it is.
we had such a wonderful conversation last night. I don't even remember what it was about.
but I went to sleep smiling...
and I really hope you can come over today.
just sayin.

i have a food baby
like maddd


just thought i'd share it with the world!

i've had the same line stuck in my head all week.

"there will be pain in the night, but joy comes in the morning.... your love never fails."


maybe it means something.






i had an experience wednesday in axis that i didn't tell anyone about.
but i was backstage taking pictures
alone, on the left wing (Or right? whichever one is to the audience's right)
and "Lead me to the cross" came on...
that's usually the song I can't listen to because it's the very song I used against satan last year in my depression
but that's not what i felt this time.
not one bit.
i suddenly felt God's presence
pressing on me, pressing on the room, filling the room, filling us up.
undeniably, God was there.
and i just got this incredible urge to... bow.
so I did,
and started crying.
and singing.
it didn't really go away once the song was over. i could still feel it. but i got back up to take pictures.
it was pretty great...
just thought i'd share that.

 detention for dress code.
no car for 2 weeks. THROUGH thanksgiving.
i'd have lost it already if wes hadn't told me he understands punishment is for his benefit.
so i can see it that way too.
it sucks. a lot. but i've accepted it. and good will come from it. i forgot how good it is to be home all the time anyway. lots of rest.
and ART! I finally have time to get caught up on art! and writing!

//

i never thought i'd be doing this.
best friend, and secret love for months...
never thought i'd have a chance with you, and i really don't, and that's okay.
because now get to help you, giving you all the advice, making this work, so you can ask a certain unnamed person out, and my God i hope this works out.
at first it hurt to help.
but seeing how badly you want this...
now it just makes me glad to be helping
and i would SO much rather you be with her than with me. ^___^
hope this works, kid.

//

and i still want things with US to work out,
i'm still workin.
it's been a rough last week, but i think things are starting to clear up.
i still think you're incredible.
so maybe. maybe something down the road is waiting for us. we just have to get there.
maybe. =)

//

it's apparently becoming a hobby of providence to tell people they're depressed. the conversation went something like this.
dr thomas: i think you're depressed.
me: i know i'm depressed.
dr thomas: something something something bipolar something something depressive extremes
me: (explains situation with medication; brain grew up on it... it's trying to develop without it... chemicals are a little whack)
basically it went on like this for like 30 minutes.
she cares, i know. and i don't dismiss her concern. i just know what's really going on.
i just wish i knew what my problem was. mentally. i know i have some kind of panic/anxiety disorder, and maybe i am bipolar, but my high extremes aren't nearly as extreme as my lows... so maybe i'm manic depressive. i don't know. maybe i'm just in withdrawal. who knows.

 I tore my debit card today. and it felt GOOD.
I found out I owe the bank $300. it didn't feel good.

//

LIFE
sigh...
i don't wanna talk about it.

//

just so you know....
i'm glad i'm the ONLY person you feel the need to judge. everyone else just loves you. you have no confidence, you only make fun of people, but they love you. and all i get when i talk to you is a judging eye for all the things i'm doing wrong.
there is a reason we are not friends anymore.
and don't worry, if your'e reading this its not you. some of you know who it is.
sigh.

uh, i can't say 1am anxiety attacks are my favorite.
i'm quitting swimming, guys. i'm sorry. but i just wasn't meant to do this. my allegiance is to my job, my homework, my health. it was a lOT of fun while i did it, but it's just too much for me to handle at this time of my life.
but i'm gonna be the manager. so you haven't seen the last of me yet. mwahha
kim i'm still gonna drive up there some mornings to pick you and maybe sam up. like when practice is over. it'll get me up early and it'll of course be boat loads of fun! haha.
i love you guys. thanks everyone who supported me doing it. =)

//

in the meantime... please be praying.
after last night's anxiety attack (i didn't even know that's what  it was, i called a very grumpy wes who said "you don't need a psychologist, it's just an anxiety attack") - and let me tell you that was some scary shit... shaking, hyperventilating... - I realized THAT'S what's been wrong with me this whole time. mentally. i'm uncontrollably anxious and sometimes it gets so bad it leads to depression. like last year. (but it only happens when relationships go wrong on my end....) I asked mom to set up a doctor's appointment. but she and i are both really afraid, after the ADD medication, of any mind altering medication. so this is a really big decision for me... I don't know if I should get it. I can just deal with it, that's what I've been doing, I've gotten used to the feeling... but last night was a scare. i WAS planning on picking sam up and going to swimming today but when i was still up at 1:30... wasn't happening. so I really don't know what to do...
and for the record guys, sam is incredible. his first night of swimming... he went to bed around 12. i texted him saying i couldn't pick him up, at maybe 1:30. he proceeded to talk me through the attack until 3AM. THREE AM. he woke up two hours later to swim. i'm still shocked that someone would do that for me. i used to be like that but... not so much anymore. it means the world to me.
what can i say. i get by with a little help from my friends =)

//

LU AND DANIEL.
you guys don't understand how happy everyone is for you two.
seriously... yesterday me and rick... "is lu dating another guy?" me: "YEAH!" rick: "THAT'S SO AWESOME! IM SO HAPPY FOR HER!"
most conversations are going like that. =)
i LOVE that you two are together though. danny i KNOW you're the best guy for her right now. without a doubt. you two are going to do incredibly well. ^____^
and danny we need to talk about photography sometime. it's going to make me happy to talk to someone who knows what they're doing haha. sigh, so many people today think photography is just pushing a button and taking a cool picture, but it's so much more than that.

//

I HAVE THE BEST FRIENDS.
sometimes i don't like them. but i always love them. i love you guys, so so much. and i'm sorry because i know i'm such a terrible friend, and so so frustrating to deal with sometimes. which is why i love you guys even more for putting up with me. ^___^

//

so I'm thinking about starting a personal photography/portfolio website. 90 bucks a year. think I should do it? i miss web designing.

 everything will be okay.
somehow this too shall pass.


//


i haven't been to swimming in over a week.
thank God i'm not swimming meets.
i love it. i wish i could go more often. i really do. i just had to get sick at the worst time possible ¬¬'
and while everyone else is getting into the routine... I STILL CANT SWIM.
and i will be dying at practice while everyone's just like oh this is child's play.
>.<
I don't know how to be training while I'm sick. i wasnt born for sports.
at least next week the cross country people start doing it. i'll get rested up by then i guess.

//

i need money....